you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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