When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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