he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
