no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just invented taco cereal.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
