He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
