Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
