When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
