i don't like sucking hair
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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