It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's official drugs can't kill me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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