They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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