the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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