i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
