You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
