ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
