a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
