why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
