There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
