life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Please, let me fuck your mom
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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