just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize