Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
BRING THE BAGELS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
