Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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