Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
