she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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