Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
