I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
