My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
