I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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