i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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