At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
