I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
