OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my poor anus
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
