My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I puked a lego.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
