No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
