i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
