So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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