I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
