if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
