Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
