HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
