I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
