I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
