My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
