I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think your dad took our porno
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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