there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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