I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
