at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
