It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
