i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
