I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
