They should really pass out barf bags in church
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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