And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
