This girl is more easily done than said...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
