so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
