I think my vagina is haunted
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
