The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize