Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
